Ivory (rightside) wrote,

what the fuck is life?...

why do I do this to myself? reading old livejournal entries is awful. I want to censor myself, and that is not right. I started this journal so I could say anything regardless of who read it. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

Caty/david broke up and it is killing me not to know why. I try to get over him, and I know he's bad for me, and I know he lies and I know it's bad but I can't help it. Every time I see a picture, every time I read a journal entry about something (ANYTHING) related to him and I just freak out and can't even breathe. What the hell is wrong with me?

and Bella and stewart have so much tension that it hurts and I dont know why. this guy she works with named Aaron has a huge crush on her and asked her to set him up with someone, and I thought about asking her if she would set us up but after hearing that david is single and knowing my reaction to that means I am not in control and have not had enough time yet to get over venton even, let alone david. i need to be single a while longer, no matter how lonely it is. I am no slave to hormones or insecurities. (unless there is a guy I like right there in the room, but even then i am pretty sure I could resist)

and then theres alfred, who I think of whenever I get lonely. I think he is my only male friend I can actually have a conversation with for long periods of time. and up until recently I could be a friend because he loved his girlfriend, and probably still does and that is great but he is single and GOD DAMNIT i hate myself.

I had the best dream of my life last night. It was so simple it kills me to think about it. I found the love of my life, and he and I were going to me my parents. My parents lived in an open feeling house with just the two of them. (I was older I think) They were sitting on the back porch drinking lemonaid and it was summer. We went up to them and Mom shook his hand and said that he was wonderful and she was so happy for us. then they went into the other room to get something and my love comes up behinds me and starts nuzzling my neck. i tell him to watch it because i hickey easily and he laughs (in a good way. not like a cackle. laughing with me). my parents come back and we go out to the car to get some clean clothes (I think we had been camping or something. some sort of road trip somewhere). and we all had a nice lunch and my parents were very affectionate and so were we and then we got into our car and left..

and it was so amazing. and nice. and normal. and it will never happen. my parents have never been affectionate and neither has anyone I ever dated that was even a remotely good match for me.

why do I always attract sleazy guys? or mooches? or liars? or (no offense Timmons) people who aren't even interested in my gender?

do I have a magnet on my head that says "squat here. she is easy, trusting, a slow learner and has lots of money"?

the funny things is that I learn really quickly. I just don't want to believe that anyone whould do these kidns of things to people. but people aren't nice. People aren't honest anymore. and people won't put in effort anymore. no one has goals. no has drive.

or at least, not anyone I could date. I have a lot of friends who do (or at least, all my friends who went to college).

PS: I am changing my major again to Management information systems...so its like managing computer systems instead of people. hooray!

and for mary: "Hooray for tomatos!"
Tags: boys, david, family, men, venton
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