I cannot even describe what changes my life has undergone. I have fulfilled desires of mine I never knew I had. I have explored the highest of my depths and reveled in them. And yet I sorrow. I lived in joy, but not for myself. I could not make myself happy. I remembered back to last summer and last spring around this time and remembered how happy I was to be single and alive and free. This year I feel trapped and yet not. I am trapped by responsibility and freed only when I can escape it. That is not the way to live. I should not suffer every moment until I can be away from Bellingham. If I am going to live here, then I have to love here. I have to love my roommates or leave them behind. I cannot merely tolerate them.
I have been in Tacoma so often, that when I return to Bellingham it doesn't feel like home anymore. Just two months ago, I felt like Bellingham was all I ever wanted it to be. Now, I can't stand it. I feel trapped by work and school and friends up here. I...can't do that anymore.
Student Works starts next week, and I've been panicing about it since literally the first week of school. I have never stressed so hard as this quarter with so little justification. I slept like three hours a night the first week of classes and if I didn't call Alfred (the only friend I know who stays up that late, and thank god he does) then I worked myself into a fit and had to go for a walk and kick some snow...which I did once or twice.
I am conflicted and confused and happy and sad and it's all ok, because earlier on this week I was driving home after having a long talk with mom and realized that it's ok that I am highly stressed because it's only one more year and then i don't have to do it again if I can't handle it. I don't have to panic about living in any one place and I don't have to feel obligated to work for more than this summer with SWP just because I want to buy a house. I can buy a house for like 10K down right now and they are still great houses for where I want to be right now.
So on the drive back up from Tacoma, I decided that it wasn't fair to Bella and Stewart for me to hate them. And even if I do hate them, or am still angry at them, I don't have the luxury right now to do it. I don't have to capacity for it. I need to love Bellingham or leave it. I decided to try not to be a bitch to everyone. I needed to try harder in my classes and actually give a shit about them.
Monday night I got all emo despite my plans, and I got to reading old conversations between Venton and me, and it was so bizarre. I remember these conversations so well. They were at a pivotal time in our relationship, as he and I were fighting about Alfred, ironically enough. I remember (once I read about it) calling Alfred and telling him I would break his fingers if he ever touched me again. Heh. We talked a lot about how it wasn't ok for someone to flirt with their friends' girlfriend, and I got SO pissed off because Venton kept saying things like I was his property. I can't believe how long I dated him after that conversation.
But we also talked a lot about how I don't know how to read people, and he talked a lot about topics that are too far gone for me to understand them without really opening my brain wide open. At the time, I said I was trying to understand, but now I know I am just not an open enough person to get what he is talking about. I know I wasn't trying to understand, and I even understand why. I even agree with him that for the most part, I think I am what I am and that isn't going to change. ...But anyway. It was a hard conversation or three to read. It pretty much summed our relationship in fifteen hours of typing.
Then on Tuesday my teamwork class had a feedback day, where we all gave anonymous feedback to our group members, and I got some really honest feedback and some was really good like they could tell I had been working really hard on trying to really listen when people are talking and to not talk over them and to control my random outbursts. and then some not so good feedback, not that it was unexpected, about me being late a couple times and how it affected group progress when I wasn't there. And also about how I need to pay attention to people's reactions and feelings. It was funny, because I had just called mom that morning thinking about whether or not I was a selfish person because I don't notice when people are upset unless they come right out and say it or make it really obvious (fed by my thinking about last nights reread conversations). She pointed out that I gravitate toward really open people, and that my closest friends are the ones who don't hold back or try to closet up what they feel or think.
I still think I am a bit selfish, despite what she says, but it's ok, because I know it now.
Anyway...revelation number ...whatever...was me walking to class today. I was listening to my favorite old choir song "You Are the New Day". Here are some lyrics that caught my eye:
"You are the new day. I will love you more than me and more than yesterday if you can but prove to me you are the new day."
And then proceeds to list off some things that will prove that this guy is the new day.
The rest of the song doesn't necessarily make a whole lot of sense, but that line really hit me today. Maybe not the love part, but the idea that someone/thing means more to me than dwelling in an awful history and more to me than thinking about myself. If someone/thing meant that much to me, I couldn't be selfish because that thing/person would matter more to me than me.
So that is how I am trying to live right now. Not being happy because of someone else, but living and making myself happy for someone else.
PS: now I get to either walk home or convince the bus driver to let me on with my patheticness because I lost my wallet somewhere on campus today.